Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
