Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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