Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
