Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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