This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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