Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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