A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
