the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize