Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
