dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize