mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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