let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
