listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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