i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
