First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
