Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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