her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
