Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
