You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Your cock deserves a montage
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
