Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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