Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
