Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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