So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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