I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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