I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
