im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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