Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
