i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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