Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
