worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
