he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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