Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
