I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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