He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
