My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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