I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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