im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
