my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
