He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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