I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
