I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
