im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize