I met the friendliest cop last night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
