i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
