i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
