I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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