Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The uberlube is also flammable
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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