I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
