nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let's paint friendship bongs
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
