Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
