your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
