It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
try to milk me bitch
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
