Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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