glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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