we have pet lesbian snakes
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
