Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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