I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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